In his eyes....

He doesn't know what to say anymore, but it's all in his eyes. The pain of not knowing what to do or say anymore shows in his eyes. When he looks at me I can see it in his eyes though he may act as if everything is alright. These eyes belong to my father. I am a 27 year old female who at times makes decisions on my own without consult from anyone and not caring about the backlash.

My father is a special man, who observes things before commenting, but aren't most fathers this way? Lately he has been quiet with me, but I get the usual 'good morning,' 'have a nice day,' and 'may God be with you.' Though, now I believe he is at a loss for words.

There is no manual given to any parents on how to raise your children, when to say what, or how to say it, this is a lesson that you go through blind at times. I believe my father is a quiet man or is it that he thinks why speak when no one will acknowledge what I have to say anyway? I'm sorry dad if you feel this way...

The recent decision that I made, well it's not really recent I bought my ticket to NY last month but it was just this week they found out about it, July 6th to be exact. My mother had been discussing a wedding event that is coming up and I said something about hoping to be here for it. She asks where will I be and I told her about NY, wow, she was livid! She went off saying that "if the man wanted to see me then he would come" talking about my boyfriend in NY. After that I heard her say "I know you're not going up there to look into each other's eyes and smile," which I laughed about, until I really understood what she was getting at. I really hate when she thinks that way about me, it makes me feel sad. For those of you who know me, I'll let you decide whether or not I am flying miles away from home just to have sex with my boyfriend. *makes a face* Mind you I love NY and I would go there whenever possible, so I really don't mind going up there.

I don't like making my parents upset but I need to do things that make me happy sometimes, right? My mother went off to her room and next thing I know my father came out. "What's this I hear about you going to NY? What's in NY for you?" Lol I love him, my mother will come right out and say it that I looking to have sex, but my father can't seem to utter the words at all, the man still won't talk to me about dating which is a way passed due subject, smh see no parent's manual. That talk should have happened as a teenager.

There he is getting ready for work, straight faced and head down, wordless. He truly does not know what to say to me or he is doing that other thing he does, which is collecting his thoughts, making ready his case before presenting any materials at all. If that's the case then I'll be in for some sort of speech when he is ready to give it.

My boyfriend maybe viewed as the enemy just about now, sorry babe.

In his eyes he sees his daughter growing up and possibly growing apart, but no matter what I will always love my dad.

*Daddy's little girl*

Insurance vs. Assurance

I love how Georgia works (sarcasm). I'll tell you my story with insurance. When I was first diagnosed with Lupus in NY at the age of 14, my doctor (Dr. Smalls) told my parents that I have an expensive disease. I had HIP insurance but once I got sick they were an absolute nightmare, I needed so much authorization before seeing any doctor and it had to be one of their doctors. I remember when my hip joints started to deteriorate I had to jump through hoops to see any doctors (no pun intended). After having enough of that NY had a great insurance from Center Care and I got Medicaid, we were blessed because I was seeing many doctors. (I couldn't stay on my parents coverage because of my illness)

When I reached the point of kidney failure I received Medicare to pay for my dialysis treatment. (Medicaid is in each state and Medicare is nationwide, just wanted to let you know the difference). When I told one of my doctors my family and I were moving to GA they seemed to be concerned and I now understand why. Once I came down here it took some time before I could get insurance because it takes a year to be a resident of the state. Paying for things out of pocket was tough.

Once I got my kidney transplant in 2008 I was told that I would lose my Medicaid coverage one year after transplant and the Medicare would stop 3 years after the date of transplant. Yippie! Here's your kidney, now since you have it we don't have to pay for you anymore. I honestly thought maybe I should just stay on dialysis if that means I get to keep my insurance.

March 2011, I got the notice that my Medicare insurance would be up by the end of April, I knew this day was coming but I didn't know what to do. I was seriously very scared and I think my family shared the same sentiments. I thought to myself God would not bring me this far as with having both hips replaced, all these tests I've done, all these hospitalizations since my teenage years, and a kidney transplant to just drop me. Best believe me God did not drop me!

I once had Medicaid when I got to GA but for the life of me I can not remember why or when it stopped. I printed out a Medicaid application and filled it out, they received it on April 29th, maybe about 10 days after I received a letter saying that I was approved and they would cover any medical expenses that have accrued from the beginning of the year! My family was so happy and relieved! God is good!

Insurance vs. Assurance? Yes having insurance is a good thing but having the assurance that God is working in your favor is a blessing! Thank you God for loving me!

The Last Day!

Today is my last day getting treatment for this BK virus! Today my younger sister Arleen has accompanied me. I kept asking her "are you sure?" Lol! It's such a long process so I had to make sure she was willing to do it! I warned her that I would be here for hours! Today in particular is a longer day because I had to get my labs drawn in other building then walked over to the building where I would be getting the infusion. She told me she wanted to be here because she is under the impression that I hate her. I know we have our differences but I do not hate my sister. I do know and understand that she hates hospitals.

At 10 o'clock I went up for my blood tests and got to the infusion building (Building 95) at 10:26 for a 10am appointment (yeah yeah, I know I should have gotten here earlier, but I hate mornings). It was 11:33am before anyone could tend to me, it seems as though they were overbooked for today. Found a vein on one try but not before searching long and hard for it (I appreciate that very much). It is now 1:43pm and I may be here for another 1 or 2 hours <sigh>. I have a graduation I am attending tonight, I am not worried about that, but my sister will be using my car to go to work after we get home. If she can make it back within the 6 o'clock hour than it's cool.

I mean these random health issues I get come at me and I'm like whatever, not that I don't care but because I know God is with me and by my side, so the punches can keep coming. I think that is all I have for today, so thank you for reading this and have a blessed day!

Be my guest...

I'm back in the hospital for my second treatment, actually found out today I'm receiving "chemo." There is such a stigma that comes with that word and no, chemo doesn't only apply to cancer patients. Today it took over an hour to find a vein in my either of my arms and was stuck 4 times with needles. Sometimes I'm so numb to these things, they try to relax you by saying "take a deep breath in and let it go." I just look at them straight in the face or directly where they are sticking the needle, I've been doing this since 14, but it doesn't mean that sometimes on a rare occasion I don't feel pain, today I felt it.=( They used a baby needle on me as usual because my veins are so tiny and scarred up from over the years of endless poking. The nurse asked me to keep drinking for awhile to try to make my veins plump, also warm compress was added (not quite sure the significance of this). When they finally found a vein the nurse said that my blood was dark and further explained that it means I'm dehydrated. I need to help them help me by drinking plenty of fluids the previous day of getting anything done that has to do with my veins.

Today I am here alone, my parents had to work today, my older sis had things to do and my younger sis has finals today (she doesn't like hospitals anyway.) Yes, I know "you came in this world alone and you leave alone," but in that brief time in between I like to be with people. I'm telling you, if I didn't have my laptop I don't know what I would do with myself, they do have TVs here so I guess that could help.

I think I need to start testing my friends to see who is really there for me, I should have tried to ask someone to come with me if they could. It's not them it's me really, being afraid to ask. People forget that you are sick when you "look" well and healthy, sometimes I want to forget but I can't, I have reminders everyday of what I have to deal with. Well I'll be back here again in 2 weeks so I shall see about that!

I guess I'm done, thought I had more to say.

Teeny tiny needle for a teeny tiny arm

Atlanta Hair-Show

I have been natural for 3 years now and it was this past week that I have been having so much fun being natural!

On Thursday April 28, I went to a meetup with my friend (@_Doremi on twitter) and we got to meet Ms. Vaughn, Meechy Monroe, and Natural Chica! We had fun also some FBI activity in the restaurant that was next door to where we were. Actually it was a Tapas restaurant where we were supposed to meet there, but that place got shutdown, who knows what was going on, so arrangements were made with the adjacent restaurant. I can't remember the name but it had "Tavern" in the title.

Natural Chica

Sunday we went to the hair show, that is my sister and I. We saw the owners of Miss Jessie's and we made some purchases. Hair shows are a great place to buy goods, can you say DISCOUNTS?!?! Lol! We really had to keep our heads on straight so we didn't break the bank or come down with a serious case of buyers remorse! I think we did alright.  

I can't wait to get involved in more activities!

Do you remember the time? (Actually I don't)

Today my younger sister was telling me that her professor called her today, to inform her that they would not be there and asked her to take roll and tell the other students what to do for today. Naturally, I laughed at her, you know the teacher's pet always gets looked down on.

I told my father of the occurrence and he said how that happened to me twice!! To my surprise I was in shock and sent a text to my sister and let her know. She felt much better after this, but I didn't. Not because I was considered a teacher's pet but because of how poor my memory is.

After being diagnosed with Lupus I think my memory got bad. They do talk about a "Lupus fog." You can find more info about that here: http://www.lupus.org/webmodules/webarticlesnet/templates/new_learnliving.aspx?articleid=2257&zoneid=527. After my father told me that, I went back to him and told him that he is blessed with a great memory. It makes me sad at times when I can't remember things that I experienced myself, it's quite maddening actually.

I thought maybe it was me and I had selective memory. I didn't want to give Lupus any credit over me, but why would I select things that I encountered to exclude from my own memory, whether a joyous or unhappy moment?

I am a young person and when someone starts what is supposed to be a funny story with "do you remember when....." I smile and from there I have 2 choices to make. Lie or just say "No, I don't actually," either way the story will be re-told.

I feel like I should document everyday of my life just so I can remember it happened. I wonder how will I be in my old age? Only God knows!

What you need to know about me...

• I was born in Brooklyn, NY (whoop, whoop!!! lol)
• I am Haitian-American
• Diagnosed with Lupus when I was 14; December 1998 (Merry Christmas to ya!)
• Medication for the Lupus messed up my hips, got both of them replaced, one in 2000 the other 2001.
• My kidneys took the hit of the lupus and had to do dialysis
• Was on dialysis for 5 years before I got my kidney transplant in April 2008
• Now dealing with this virus that's in my kidney =/ {BK virus}